It’s been a month now since I accidentally deleted my facebook account. And a month and a day since I turned 40. It’s also been month of asking “what now?”.
As Ram Dass pointed out to me a few days ago (watch video below), I have spent the last 20 years wearing numerous ‘spacesuits’. And I was good at using my spacesuits. In fact I was so good that I could no longer differentiate myself from my spacesuits anymore.
When I got my first suit 20 years ago everybody kept telling me how impressive my suit was, and that because I wear the suit so well that I must be so happy.
Then I saw another coach, like me, who had just obtained a new suit, one with even more status. So I enrolled on another course and I learned how to use that new suit. And everyone told me how much more impressive that suit was and how good I was at wearing it. Then another suit came. And another. And another.
The problem was that none of the suits that I have been wearing for the past 20 years actually fit very well. I kept thinking that the next suit would be the one that would actually fit. But I was never going to find ‘the one’.
And I learned this fact during lockdown when I took off my suit. This was the first time in forever that I could actually be ‘me’ instead of the suit I was wearing.
But when things went back to ‘normal’ I put my suit back on again even though it felt wrong. I put it back on because I was so afraid of who I would be without my suit. Having no suit during lockdown was fine but who would I be without the suits I have worn for half of my life?
One day, I was sitting chatting with a colleague and they told me how good I was at wearing my suit. And that I should teach others how to wear it too. Because doing so would bring even more ‘success’.
Around the same time businesses approached me and offered me an even better suit. One with even more ‘status’.
My ego reached out for the new suits. For the status. For the success. Saying yes to it all.
But there was part of me that knew that that once I put on the suits, I wouldn’t be able to take them off again. So instead I turned them down. All of them. Not only that but this week I have taken off the suits I have worn for the past 2 decades.
So now I sit here writing this to you naked (not literally obviously, it’s way too cold in Wales for that). I sit here with the knowledge that there is no suit out there that will ever feel as good as being naked feels.
Does that mean I’ll never wear a suit again? I would like to think so but I doubt it. There are so many impressive looking suits out there and my fear of missing out paired with my need to feel good enough will probably mean I will try on a few for size.
But I’m hoping that writing this will make me realise that nothing feels as good as being myself, without the need to prove anything by wearing a fancy suit.
So now I ask you, what suits are you wearing that don’t fit?