How an Atheist Ended Up Having Coffee with Jesus
My twenty-year journey from scepticism to spirituality.
Atheist. That’s the label I used for most of my life. Non-believer. I’m from a science background. So I expect reasoning.
Now, I use the term spiritual to explain my faith. Not religious. But spiritual.
And yet, if someone had predicted this change twenty years ago, I’d have laughed in their face. Told them they were delusional. That I didn’t believe in any of that bullshit.
So what the fuck happened?
Was it a near-death experience? Some great revelation?
Nope.
Instead, it was an twenty-year journey of repeatedly walking away from something that quietly refused to give up on me.
Over time, I learned to listen. To trust the signs. To let go of expectations and beliefs (yes, a non-belief is still a belief).
For years, I searched for labels that fit who I was and the journey I was on. Hoping to find other people walking the same path.
And funnily enough... I found them many, many years later!
Looking for Something I Couldn’t Name
Let’s roll back to around 2002.
I’m walking into Borders Bookshop in Cheshire Oaks. This place was huge. It sold books, CDs, magazines, puzzles... everything.
At the time, it was probably my favourite place in the world. I could learn anything in that place.
For reference, there was no Google back then. The internet was still dial-up and took forever to load. Basically, there was no way of learning stuff the way you can today. Apart from the Library which was where I spent a lot of time. But here, I could own the books!
Kids these days don’t know they’re born, right? The entire world’s knowledge at their fingertips. And they use it for... apologies... I digress.
After wandering through the fitness magazines (Oxygen was my favourite because I was completely obsessed with fitness), I’d always find myself drifting towards the spirituality and religion section.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m not sure what I was looking for.
After all... Why was I searching if I didn’t believe?
I don’t know.
Maybe I just wanted to know where I fit into the world. Maybe I was trying to find answers to the things I was feeling.
Honestly? I do not know.
I just knew something was looking for me at the same time I was searching for answers.
Looking back now, I think I was searching for meaning. Purpose. Belonging. A feeling there was something more.
I wanted life to make sense. I wanted to make sense.
I remember researching different labels that fit who I was and the journey I was on, hoping to find other people asking the same questions.
I knew there was something more.
And yet, no matter how many books I read, I just couldn’t find anything that fit.
[As a side note: I didn’t grow up in a religious family. Mum and Dad got married in a church. I was christened Church of England. Church shaped the usual things like weddings, funerals and christenings. But we weren’t religious. And I was certain the religions I knew weren’t the answer to the questions I was asking.]
What Is Your Deepest Fear?
Let’s move forward to 2005.
I’m sat on the sofa with my husband, watching Samuel L. Jackson as Coach Carter.
In the film he constantly asks Timo Cruz:
“What is your deepest fear?”
Over and over again.
Towards the end of the film, Cruz replies:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
That quote had an enormous impact on me. It stayed with me for years. And it would pop up again and again throughout my life.
It wasn’t until much later that I realised where that quote had come from.
The Book I Couldn’t Read
When I learned that the quote had been adapted from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love, I knew had to buy the book.
So I did.
I opened it. I saw the word “God.” I closed the book.
There was no way in hell that I, an atheist, was going to read any shit about God.
The resistance... the anger... wasn’t what I expected.
I felt, in some way, that I’d been lied to. Deceived.
The quote from Coach Carter didn’t mention God FFS! And yet, here it was, in black and white.
A few days later, the book found its way to a charity shop.
Unread.
And yet...
Not long afterwards, I was introduced to books by Gabrielle Bernstein. Books like The Universe Has Your Back.
And for some reason, I bought A Return to Love. Again.
Only this time... I was ready.
This time, I replaced all the Christian terms with the word “Universe.”
God? Nope. Universe.
Jesus? Hell no. Universe.
Holy Spirit? Yep, you got it. Universe.
And the book was just beautiful. But I wanted more. Much more.
It felt like it had opened something within me. Like a voice was calling. But I couldn’t quite hear it.
And because of Marianne Williamson’s book, that voice eventually led me to A Course in Miracles.
The Course That Wouldn’t Let Me Go
Around 2017, I ordered the Foundation for Inner Peace edition of A Course in Miracles (or ACIM, as it’s often called).
I opened it. I read a few pages. I shut it.
And not just shut it... I shoved it to the back of my bookshelf. Hidden away like some dirty little secret.
I knew there was something in there for me. But just as with A Return to Love, I couldn’t get past the Christian terminology.
I was completely and utterly drawn to it. I knew I needed to get rid of whatever this block was. And changing the words to “Universe” wasn’t enough this time.
I wanted desperately to read it.
So I started researching (thank God for the internet by then).
I searched online, looking through forums for A Course in Miracles, wondering whether there was a place for atheists in the Course.
I was looking for evidence that, as an atheist (the label I was still using at the time), the Course was meant for me. That it did have something to teach me.
But how could I get past my resistance to the terminology?
Then, in an ACIM for Atheists sub-forum, some beautiful human called vawksel wrote:
“Words are just labels. You give them their meaning. “Jesus” “Armpit”, both labels, both symbols, both meaningless in and of themselves, they are just shapes, sounds, utterances, you give them meaning.
Don’t give the ACIM negative meaning before reading it. You’re slamming the door before even peaking inside...
...Atheism is a belief. This book is the undoing of all beliefs, until you are left with actual reality, which doesn’t require any beliefs at all.
Something shifted.
I copied that exact advice into the front of the book and began to read.
I still crossed out the words God and Jesus, replacing them with Love.
But this time... It worked.
I began to see there really was so much this Course had to teach me.
Losing It… and Finding It Again
During Covid and lockdown, I became religious (excuse the pun) in my practice.
I studied the Workbook. I read the Text. I meditated. I prayed.
And I could feel a huge shift within me.
Then, just as the majority of us talked about creating a “new normal” after Covid... I didn’t.
Life returned (granted, with a slightly different flavour), and with it came the busy-ness.
My practice faded. I just didn’t have the time. And so, the book found its way to the back of the bookshelf.
Last November, I retired from coaching after more than twenty years.
And somewhere between the grief and the uncertainty, I knew I needed to return to the Course.
I needed something to help guide me through the messy middle I found myself in.
And somehow... I also found the Circle of Atonement.
I could never seem to find anyone talking about the Course in a way I could truly relate to.
But then I watched a recording with Robert and Emily Perry. And I knew immediately that this was where I was supposed to be.
From there, I bought the Complete and Annotated Edition (CE). And studying the Course with all of its original context changed everything.
And I’ve been doing the work every day since.
The Circle has become my church. My home from home. And I also recently spent a weekend on a Love-Centered Leadership retreat with other members of the Circle.
Meeting others face-to-face confirmed what I already suspected. These were my people.
For years I’d been looking for those asking the same questions I was. And I’d finally found them.
These were the people who understood my journey. And I genuinely can’t imagine my life without them. Without the love, the peace, and the connection it brings.
So… Is It Actually Working?
So is the Course working? Is it helping? Has this new faith actually changed anything?
I asked my husband (who I have been with for 28 years) if he sees a difference.
He said there were times in the past when the bubble I lived in would burst, and I’d think that was it....
Life was shit. Everything was bad. It was the end of the world. (Yes I can be a drama queen!)
But now, when a bubble bursts, I realise I’m actually inside a bigger bubble.
One that’s even more beautiful than the tiny bubble I’d been so focused on before.
I love that analogy because it captures exactly how it feels.
Things still go wrong. Shit happens. I fuck up.
But everything doesn’t come crashing down with it.
The bubble I live in just keeps getting bigger and bigger. And my whole world is getting bigger and bigger.
Personally, I feel more sane. Like I can see things differently.
I enjoy being around people more. And life feels lighter. Brighter.
Even though there are still difficult days... difficult hours... difficult moments...
When I come back to the Course... To the lessons... I’m guided. I feel less alone.
There was so much resistance along the way. Occasionally, there still is.
Giving up my ego. Choosing to see things differently. That’s hard.
Judgement, anger and darkness. Comparison and control.
Those are still my defaults. And it takes work to change ways of thinking that have been ingrained for so fucking long.
Every morning I study the Course. I meditate. I pray.
Every hour I pause and turn inwards.
When I need help... I ask for guidance.
But in doing the work, I get the benefits that the course talks so much about.
The Words That No Longer Scare Me
Somewhere along the way, Jesus stopped being the name that made me close the book in frustration and anger. And he became the teacher I now have coffee with every morning.
God stopped being an old man in the sky. And became Love. Source. The thing that connects us all.
The Holy Spirit stopped being a strange religious idea. And became the quiet voice I’d been trying to hear all my life. The voice that gently guides me whenever I’m willing to listen.
The Spirituality Nobody Warned Me About
I still swear. I still laugh at dark humour. I still flirt. I still love sex. I still get things wrong. I still have an ego that throws mother-fucking tantrums for days.
But now I study the course. I meditate. I pray. I seek guidance from something bigger than myself.
And yet, I’m not some spiritual guru who floats around eating kale and speaking in a soft voice.
But that’s the point, isn’t it?
I haven’t become a different person. I’ve become more myself. Not a sanitised version. Not a holier version. A more honest version.
Originally, I thought I was a contradiction. But that’s not true.
What I’m describing isn’t a contradiction. It’s an integration.
A woman who swears, fucks, laughs at inappropriate jokes and occasionally loses her shit is the very same woman who meditates, prays and seeks guidance.
One person.
Not half spiritual. Not half human.
Just whole.
Why I Nearly Didn’t Publish This
As a confession... I was afraid to write this post.
Until now, I’ve only told three people about this journey.
My husband. My sister. And a very close friend.
Thankfully, they know me. They know my heart. They didn’t judge me.
But I know how this can sound.
Religion and spirituality have a way of making people feel uncomfortable. Mention God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit or A Course in Miracles and, for some people, the alarm bells start ringing.
I’ve spoken to people who’ve been told –– by the people they love –– that they have to choose.
It’s either the Course... or them.
That would be incredibly hard if I were ever put in that position. Thankfully, I’m not.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’ve kept this part of myself so quiet.
We all want to fit in. To be liked. To know we’re not alone.
Sometimes, even a journey filled with love, joy and faith can feel lonely.
And really fucking scary.
Maybe We All Find Our Way Home Differently
I love A Course in Miracles. I love the Circle. It feels like I’m walking home. And along the way, I’ve found other people walking the same path.
That doesn’t mean I think everybody should study A Course in Miracles.
I’m not here to preach. Fuck no!
That’s not what this post is about.
This is my story. This is my path.
And there are so many paths that lead to the same destination.
Because ultimately, we’re all looking for the same thing... Perfect happiness.
Money. Success. Relationships. They’re often part of the journey. The means.
But they’re not the destination. Perfect happiness is.
However you find yours... whatever your curriculum looks like... I hope you find your own path.
And if your path happens to look something like mine... you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
For years, I thought I was searching. Looking for the right book. The right label. The right community. The right path.
Looking back... I’m not sure I was the one doing all the searching.
I spent over twenty years repeatedly walking away from something that quietly refused to give up on me.
But eventually... I stopped walking away.