The Vulnerability Hangover
Why opening up can leave you spiralling, shaky and wondering what the hell you’ve done
I’ve seen in a lot.
Women share their thoughts with someone.
Whether myself (when I was coaching). Other coaches. A private Facebook Group.
A conversation where they bare their soul.
Releasing some thoughts and feelings that they have been struggling with.
Initially, they feel relief. Euphoric even. And yet, it doesn’t last.
Because once that fades, they are left feeling extremely uncomfortable.
And I mean really uncomfortable.
So what’s going on?
The hangover
Kasia Urbaniak says that after we enjoy a big win (and sharing something private that we’ve been fighting with is a huge fucking win!) we may experience something strange.
Something she refers to as “post-expansion contraction,” or a Victory Hangover.
Jenny Burrell refers to this as a ‘Vulnerability Hangover’ which definitely fits.
As Urbaniak explains,
Often, a Victory Hangover takes the form of a shame spiral.
You might feel despair or a sense of unease.
You might find yourself obsessing over a minor detail or a mistake.
Your hangover may feel like rage or fear.
You might feel overexposed, resulting in a desire to hide.
Sometimes this contraction can make you feel floaty—like you’re lost, untethered.
So why does this happen?
It’s because our body is recognising a change. It doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. It just knows that something is different. And that it’s trying to find equilibrium again. A new default.
It was settled at that old set-point. It was comfortable.
But in order to grow we need to expand. Sharing what’s going on in our lives is part of this expansion.
And in doing so our body feels uncomfortable for a little while until it can get used to who we are now.
Because the truth is—we’re no longer the same person.
Once we have bared our soul, told the truth, been authentically us, our body needs a little time to catch up.
We grow in the discomfort
In this catching up—in this in-between—this is where we feel uncomfortable. But it’s also where the magic happens.
When a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, people forget about the discomfort. The struggle. Even the pain.
But we need to appreciate the whole process of metamorphosis.
The butterfly only exists because of what’s it’s been through.
Coping with the hangover
Now there are things we can do to help with a victory/vulnerability hangover. And Urbaniak says,
You will expand again, and develop a new set point.
In the meantime, there are really boring, simple remedies that can ease the drop.
You know most of them already: pajamas, Netflix, a bath with Epsom salts, lots of sex.
A massage if you’re feeling flush, and a good cry if you’re not. Movement and dancing—anything body-based—will help.
It’s also worth remembering that there are things that will not help,
Here’s what won’t work when you’re in the throes of a Victory Hangover: analysis.
In fact, even a Victory Log is a bad idea.
Also a bad idea? Picking a fight, which may seem tempting.
Do not misinterpret the hangover
The most important thing is not to misinterpret the hangover.
It’s not a sign that we’ve screwed up or that it was a terrible mistake to expose a vulnerable part of ourselves.
It’s also not a sign that we shouldn’t have gone after something we wanted.
And its definitely not a warning that we should never ever again challenge ourselves again.
Whether you refer to it as a victory or a vulnerability hangover, this post-expansion contraction, is natural. And it won’t last long (maybe a few days).
Yes it’s unpleasant. But it’s a reminder that we’re growing as a person.
Acknowledge it. Sit with it. Celebrate it.
And know that it’s there because we’ve more than likely done something pretty fucking awesome.