Why It’s Ok to Not Have Your Shit Figured Out
None of us really know what the fuck we’re doing anyway.
When I hit 40, I thought I would have shit figured out.
After all, I had spent the first half of my life figuring it out, right?
So surely, when I hit 40 and finally became a grown-up, I would know who I was, what I liked, and what I didn’t.
Plus, I would know what I wanted to do with the second half of my life and how to get there.
Just like everyone else has their shit figured out. At least that’s what it looked like to me.
But instead, I hit 40, and things shifted. I was knocked off course. What I thought I wanted wasn’t, after all.
I felt lost.
Confused.
Frustrated.
Like I was in some in-between space.
I was supposed to be heading somewhere, but I had no fucking clue where that was going to be.
And I’m not alone with this. So many of us carry this belief that we should have our shit figured out by now. Whatever milestone “now” may be. 30. 40. 50. 60. 70. Or older.
And yet, so many of us still feel frustrated, afraid, or angry that we haven’t.
So why the fuck does this happen?
We Compare Our Inner World With Everyone Else’s Outer World
We scroll through social media and see that everyone else (appears) to have their shit together.
They have the house.
The job.
The kids.
The partner.
They have the dreams and the goals. They have the energy and motivation to achieve them. They know exactly what they want and who they are.
WTF?
And here we are, trying to remember what we walked into the next room for.
Feeling overwhelmed by everything on our to-do list.
Wanting to change things but not having a clue what it is that we actually want.
We Have a Fear of Being Judged
If we admit that we don’t have our shit together, if we admit that what we have in our life isn’t what we actually want, if we admit that we don’t know what the fuck we are doing, then we are admitting that we have failed somehow.
And if we have failed, then people will judge us.
So, we’re doomed either way, right?
If we admit it—we’ll be judged.
If we don’t—we still feel alone.
Like we are the only one who was not granted the guidebook to life.
Our Own Expectations
We each have standards for ourselves. Our own expectations. Stuff we expect to have achieved or at least figured out by 30, 40, 50, and so on.
But the years pass by.
And before we know it, we haven’t done half of what we expected of ourselves.
And we still have no fucking clue what we’re doing or what we want to do.
The Truth?
None of us have our shit figured out. Not really. We’re all just winging it. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
We’re all changing our minds. We’re all feeling like we’re failing or not where we should be.
And this becomes even more noticeable in our 40s and 50s. Because surely by now, we should have figured this shit out, right?
But we are not the problem. We are doing just fine. We are exactly where we need to be.
There is no right or wrong way to live.
And the more we can drop the fear of failure, the fear of being judged, the fear of rejection—the more we can enjoy all that life has to offer as we journey together.
We Evolve
This shit that we think we should have “figured out” is a moving target.
Life is dynamic. And so are we.
The things that made sense to us in our 20s may no longer serve us in our 40s or 50s.
But unless we sit and think deeply about this, we can continue on the path we were originally on.
Even when it is no longer the right path for us.
Our goals and dreams evolve. And so do we.
Everything we once thought was our truth can suddenly feel so wrong.
And that’s OK. It’s all part of the journey.
Surround Yourself With Authentic Women
We compare our inner world (that messy, fucked up version of ourselves) to that outer, perfect presentation of someone else’s outer world.
What we really need is to surround ourselves with authentic women.
The women who are real
And raw.
Who aren’t afraid to tell us how much they’re struggling.
Who don’t have their shit together either.
No judgment.
No expectations.
Just love.
Joy.
And hopefully, a huge dose of radical honesty.
Lower Your Expectations
You know those expectations, right?
The ones where we should have our shit figured out?
Be productive.
Energetic.
Fun.
Motivated.
—every. single. fucking. day.
You know the ones? Well, we do that to ourselves.
We are the ones who create these unrealistic expectations. No one else.
We think we need to keep these high standards because others expect us to.
But no one does.
Everyone else is so wrapped up in their own shit to even notice ours.
What would happen if we let go?
What if we let go of the need to be perfect?
The need to be someone that we’re not?
The need to have our shit figured out?
What if we just allowed ourselves to be human?
To be flawed.
Imperfect.
And maybe a little messy?
Embrace the Uncertainty
More often than not, this feeling of not having our shit together comes from not knowing what’s next.
But not knowing is part of life.
Yes, it’s fucking uncomfortable.
Painful even.
But still—it’s part of life.
And we can either fight that fact—or embrace it.
When we let go of the need to have everything figured out, we give ourselves the freedom to explore new possibilities.
To discover new paths.
To ebb and flow with life.
Instead of trying to control it.
Live in the Moment
Instead of thinking about what we haven’t accomplished—instead of worrying about what we should be doing—focus on the here and now.
Just one moment at a time.
Yes, it may still be uncomfortable. It may bring up emotions you didn’t expect.
But that’s good. That’s all part of the process.
Have faith that if you keep showing up in the present, you will always find your way home.
Redefine Success
More often than not, if we feel we don’t have our shit figured out, it’s because we are living by someone else’s standards.
Maybe we’ve been climbing someone else’s ladder. Following the flock.
But success is personal and unique to each of us. So redefine what success means to you.
Is it really about the job title?
The status?
The bigger house?
Or is it about living a life of ease?
Doing what lights you up?
Spending time with those that matter?
Whatever it is, make sure it aligns with your values. Not someone else’s.
Final Thoughts
Scared to admit that you don’t have your shit figured out yet?
Welcome to the club.
It is perfectly normal to feel this way, no matter your age.
The problem isn’t that you don’t have it figured out. The problem is believing that you should.
That’s bullshit. A huge lie.
Life is a process. One of learning. Growing. And evolving.
Embrace the uncertainty.
Live in the moment.
Redefine success on your terms.
Surround yourself with authentic women who admit they don’t have their shit figured out either.
There is no guidebook to life.
But there are lessons to learn.
Experiences to be had.
Connections to be made.
It’s a beautiful, messy journey.
Embrace the chaos. Find joy in the present. And be OK with not having all the answers.
After all—none of us really know what the fuck we’re doing.