Why My Husband Faced the Brunt of My Perimenopausal Rage
Emotional explosions are rarely as random as they seem
I previously posted on facebook about perimenopause being like climate change. And how I am experiencing more hormonal shit-shows.
One minute, I can feel overwhelming gratitude and peace within my body. The next, I am consumed by uncontrollable rage.
Ironically, this also happened recently (even though I wrote about it a while back). In a nutshell, this said outburst was aimed at my husband.
Now for the record, he is a damn good husband, so this post isn’t about him (to a point).
What it is about is that, these shit-shows. Because despite the fact that they appear to come out of nowhere – they don’t. Not really.
The Bathtub Analogy
An analogy I like to use is that of a bathtub.
Over time, the things that annoy us, frustrate us, anger us, sadden us, the things we let go of, stay quiet about, or say yes to when we want to say no – all of it gets put in the bath – one drop at a time.
The more impact something has, the more drops get added. So over time, the bath starts to fill.
It’s only when someone or something adds that final drop that the bath overflows.
A single drop is all it may take for the bath to overflow, and then it all comes out. All of it.
The swearing. The tears. The anger. The mother-fucking rage.
The Final Drop
But the person (it’s usually aimed at one person, right?) only sees this mental, psychotic, crazy woman who was happy and content one minute but screaming at them the next.
What they haven’t seen are the days, weeks, and months that the bath has been filling.
Now, it might not have been that said ‘person’ who filled the bath. It could have come from anywhere.
They were just unfortunate enough to add the final drop that caused the overflow – along with all the fucking “fucks”.
In this instance, it wasn’t my husband who had been filling my bath (that’s not a euphemism, by the way) – it was so many other things.
The ‘Containers’
Now some days, we don’t have a bath. Some days we might have a bucket. Or a cup.
The ‘container’ – the bath, the bucket, the cup – that is our capacity to cope with all the shit that we have to cope with.
Sometimes we are well-rested and have been looking after ourselves, so we have a bath. Hence, we can cope with a lot of shit.
Some days we get a bucket. Other days, a cup. (In yesterday’s event, I swear I only had a thimble!)
I’m finding that with perimenopause, we have more days where our containers are much smaller. And our capacity to cope just isn’t there.
Plus at this stage in our life we just seem to have so many fucking drops that are being added to our container. Day in. Day out.
As for what causes our container to overfill? It may take a million little things to send us over the edge. Or it could be one big thing.
So, what can we do?
1. Build a Bigger ‘Container.’
Firstly, we build a bigger container. And we do this by looking at our “big rock” fixes:
Blood sugar regulation
Good sleep (and rest)
Strength and movement
Gut health
Nervous system support
More water. Less wine.
Remember, we don’t need to change everything at once. Pick one, just one, and work on improving that.
Personally my sleep has been off these past few weeks, so I know that was reducing my capacity to cope. Hence that is the one thing that I’m going to work on.
Now again in perimenopause this is the time that our container naturally reduces in size (thanks to the hormone changes). We just do not have any fucks left to give. Which is exactly why we need to keep working on building a bigger container.
And for the record, no, there is no specific research on this. At least not that I have seen. And yet any woman who is in perimenopause will tell you this is true. She is not able to cope anywhere near as well as she could before.
2. Do Not Confuse Capacity With Capability
The lovely Caroline Toshack shared a post a while back about not confusing capacity with capability, and it struck a chord with me.
”Capacity to cope” is a term many of my coaching clients have become accustomed to hearing.
Not having the capacity means that we cannot do something right now. Our bath/bucket/cup is too full.
We do not have the space to deal with whatever is happening, even if we think we “should”.
But as Caroline points out, “just because you do not have the capacity right now, it does not mean that you aren’t capable.”
And I think that’s it isn’t it? When we don’t have the capacity we feel like we’re broken somehow. That we’re weak. That we’re not good enough.
But just because we do not have the capacity to cope right now doesn’t mean it’s always going to be this way. It just means this is how it is at this moment in time.
3. Regularly empty your “container.”
I work from home, and my desk is in the family living room.
This summer, my boys have been playing with their friends on the computer...
Tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
Each tap puts another drop in my container.
Over. And over. And over again.
This noise sensitivity is a huge part of who I am. Some days I can cope more (bath); some days, I cope less (cup).
I love that my boys get to play with their friends online. I love the excitement and fun they have, so I don’t want to take that away.
But I have learned that the tap, tap, tap can add to my container. And at some point, it’s going to overflow. Hence, I need to regularly empty my container.
I need to use earplugs. I need to take breaks outside. I need to do all those things that calm my nervous system, that make me feel safe.
Some days, if I only have a ‘cup,’ I need to empty it more often. I need more breaks, more grounding.
Other days, I have a bath and don’t need as many. But either way, I need to keep emptying my container to help prevent the overflow.
4. Accept that you are human.
Some days there is no reason for the outbursts. Or at least not that we can see on the surface.
We might have been doing everything right, building a bigger container and emptying it regularly. And yet it still comes out.
It’s not nice. In fact, it’s really fucking horrendous.
But feeling shame for what we’ve done is not going to help.
Forgive yourself. Let it go. Accept that you are human.
Tomorrow is another day.
What you need right now is self-compassion. Lots and lots and lots of self-compasison.
Final thoughts
These shit-shows are just that, shit!
I do not wish them on anyone. And yet, once things have settled, I am (mostly) always grateful for them.
They make me realise:
that I need to build a bigger container
that I need to empty my container more often
that I need to remove myself from whatever is filling it in the first place
And sometimes these shit-shows offer an absolute gem.
Yesterday’s outburst at my husband – it wasn’t actually about me. Ok maybe it was. Just a little. Ok maybe a lot. But the point it that it was also about him!
About ‘stuff’ he’d been holding onto – something that we were able to spend the day working through. Stuff he had never told me before in the 26 years we’d been together.
I honestly believe that would never have come out had my bath not overflowed in the first place. And talking through all this has brought us closer than before.
So, maybe this rage has a purpose after all. Who knows. At least that’s the way I’m looking at it.